We have all seen really bad relationships. Men beating up their wives. Bitchy women always screaming at their husbands. People cheating on their partner – kisses, sex, looks and desires involving a new and more interesting product than the one at home. Children neglected by parents who are too busy to notice them. People who take each other for granted and hurt each other – maybe without ever truly noticing it. People who always punish their partner for their shortcomings for no other reason than because they can. Relationships with no love in them and painful divorces.
And whenever we experience these relationships – whenever we see them among our friends, on the street, at work or on TV – then we tell ourselves and our partner the same thing:
“We will not be like that, right?”
And the partner replies:
“Of course we won’t. We are going to have a great life together.”
And we believe it. We believe our own words and the words of our partner. Of course we will not end up like that. Our case is different. We are going to live happily ever after.
But what I wonder is this: I am sure no person or couple ever dream of ending up like the above mentioned examples. No one would in their right minds wish for beatings, cheating, emotional torture, ignorance, apathy and plain indifference in their relationships. Only a true masochist would wish for something like that. So why do we believe that we are any different?
I am sure the wife beater’s wife, the cheater, the career minded father, the neglecter and all the other people involved in bad relationships did not wish for that to be their fate when they first started out. I am sure they did not wish for misery and hurt. I am sure they also dreamt of eternal love, passion, loyalty, respect and friendship – just like we do.
So why do we do it? Why do we tell ourselves this little lie at any given time? Of course it turns out to be the truth for some people. Some relationships (hopefully many) do not become fucked up – some of them do actually persist in a good and harmonious way – but how can we ever know beforehand? How can we sincerely look our partner in the eyes and tell them that we will make it work and be great together?
Change is inevitable, for better or worse we as humans are inclined to change. And that is what causes the relationships to change. When you are used to doing things certain way or you are used to seeing this person or that person behave in certain way then all of sudden he or she start to change, it makes you stop and ponder Why?. Let us say person [A ] changes certain different way and person [ B] is not ready for change, then person B will start feeling uneasy about the change and eventually the uneasiness turns into friction. Some people don’t like change and have tendency to resist change, it is not known why, it could be fear, it could be their comfort zone, and it could be lack of readiness, who knows why. So in my opinin if the two people are ready for change then things will turn out to be okay if not then we will fall into the situation that you explaind in your post above. So the key word here is change and how ready are we for change, if we flex and move along the changes that takes place around us then we will have [bingo] if we resist and build a concrete wall around us then we will end up with a lot of complications.
The way i see your point in this article is that you are bothered by the “little lie” that people tell each other at any given point, that it will be alright, that we won’t be like others. Naturally, no one is like the other. Some people grow out of such bad relationships into something beautiful, determind never to go back – even at the cost of dropping out of any potential fucked up situation, others have the capability to contain changes as mentioned by the previous commentator, and well, naturally some do not, can not or worse even, will not take responsibility for their choices – or filter their alternatives carefully before they commit to someone. In general, relationships are not just all harmonious and giddy glad. They form a deep mental, physical and emotional bond between two different persons (whether of the same culture or not) – and it requries a lot of good communication between the two persons to keep it healthy and heading in a good direction. From my own experience it is also paramount important that the pair have something to do or share together outside the living and bed room – outside committment to a joint activity, for example, doing sport together, working on a project together, travelling together, etc, this does not have to be big and demanding, better even find something small that you do occassionally together. Any how, no one really knows what the future holds, and cautiousness is always warranted. And to be able to over come it, communication, empathy, sympathy, a whif of positivity, and holding hands can really make impossible relationships work. It is comfy to take someone for granted, but it is more giving to keep working on ourselves together. At the end of the day, there’s never any guarantees, except your instinct and personal judgement, coupled with your ability to take responsibility for your decisions in life. Otherwise one could just shut themselves out and not dare do anything with anyone due to the risk of doing it all wrong. So back to the head point, it is never really a “little lie” when you mean it.
It`s the female`s fault! Cant u see? She picked the furniture based on her cloths (red!) ,,, heheeeee
Ok, seriously, as u said; no couple see themselves in such situations, they don`t wish to be in 1 but “things” happen.
Now u r asking for cues that serve as alarming signals whenever such path seems on the horizon.
It all -in my view- can be traced mainly to the beginnings of the relationship, why are they together, what brought them INTO the relationship, what they both aspire to.
Of course it`s easier said, relationships demand hard work, if u wanna spent yr life time with this person, u got to be willing to sacrifice, not because u HAVE to but because u WANT to
Life can drift partners away, and if they sense that, they should go back to their “base” and work things out.
It`s not acceptable for example for one partner to get swamped in a career development and forget everything, even temporarily, nor to blame kids for getting the attention, .. things like that accumulate and cause the drift!
Each case is unique naturally, but both can sense such “cues”, the thing is not to ignore them and face them.
H.
Why do relationships fail? That’s a very interesting question. The real question is: Why do relationships fail at such high rates? It is normal that relationships fail every once in a while, but the real puzzle is that most relationships fail.
I can summarize the answer to that question is few words. The reason is that people have a very common bad example of relationships that they observe all around them. People observe how other people handle relationships and imitate what they observe, neglecting the fact that what they observe is corrupt.
My claim is understandably very controversial for most people, because the bad model of relationships that I am talking about is monogamy. In my personal opinion, monogamous relationships are a very bad way to make relationships. The good model in my opinion is open relationships. However, in the interest of a productive discussion I not rely on this controversial claim.
Several reasons cause relationships to fail; Most importantly lacking the skill of communication. It is important that couples communicate their feelings, aspirations, disappointments, hopes, dreams, fears, their views on whats important in the relationship, and their concerns about the relationships in an open and effective manner. Couples usually keep those things bottled up, and eventually end up in fights that miss the point of what is really going on. The main reason people cheat in relationships is that they don’t feel heard and understood.
As Rami suggested couples need to show interest in each other. Once a relationship gets in a rut and feel neglected, things will get ugly.
You mention the ‘little lies’ that people tell each other. However, in my experience people hate honesty. They don’t like people who tell them the truth. So white lies here and there seem like a good alternative. The problem is, those lies pile up and create an atmosphere that lacks trust between partners. And yes, people even lie to themselves; Consider for example how religion is rampant. Religion is a prime example of how people would rather believe in lies than face the truth.
In a previous post you mentioned how ‘chick flicks’ negatively influence relationships, because it creates unrealistic expectations of how relationships work. Sad fact is, people strive for those false idols which creates disappointment in the long run. So why would someone lie to his partner? Because they know that the easiest way to win them over is to tell them what they want to hear, instead of their true feelings towards them!
@Max: So then inflexible people are pretty doomed it seems? Or maybe they just need ot find another inflexible person to be with? Or maybe there are just different definitions of a good relationship? Maybe some people are okey with what they have – even though it in my eyes might not be good… Maybe the fact that a woman has a husband to take care of her could be enough for some women to feel happy, and then maybe it doesn’t matter if they love each other or if he is home a lot…? Who am I to judge anyways.
@Rami: A good relationship takes without a doubt a lot of hard work and good communication from both partners – I totally agree. And maybe the reason why some relationships fucks up is because they didn’t talk about the key important issues from the start – maybe they didn’t look each other in the eyes and assured each other that they don’t want to end up like ‘this’ and ‘that’. Maybe the little lie (which might be the truth) is actually what could end up saving people from a fucked up fate? Because it forces us to communicate about what is truly important for us and in our lives…
@Haitham: I liked this bit very much – “if u wanna spent yr life time with this person, u got to be willing to sacrifice, not because u HAVE to but because u WANT to”. I think this is very true – but in only works if you have your whole heart in it. You cannot force yourself or others to want something they don’t…
It IS a prerequisite indeed
@Devil: So if people lie and tell their partners what they would like to hear – then how do we ever know if our feelings and relationships are real and true? Maybe it’s just a big lie that we also believe in ourselves?
“then how do we ever know if our feelings and relationships are real and true?” – Good question, which is kind of what everything I hope to achieve in relationships aims for. I usually call it the “integrity” of a relationship. My idea is, people lie because they are afraid. Most people are afraid of loneliness, so their highest aim in relationships is simply “be with someone”, “not die alone”, “get married before its too late”, etc etc.
And the reality is, this mode of thinking is in conflict with honesty and integrity. And everytime you tell the truth, you run the risk of offending your partner, and being alienated.
Personally, I hate loneliness, and I am afraid of it as well. But I made a conscious choice, and it is a choice, a difficult choice as well, that I would not let fear compromise integrity of relationships. I realized a long time ago, that integrity of relationships is far more satisfying, and leads to greater happiness than simply “not being alone”.
So going back to the question; how do we know that our relationships are “true”, or as I call it, have integrity? To have that you need two conditions. First, you yourself should have integrity as a priority, and this is a choice you have to make. And while it is not always the case, you can in principle know what your own choices are. Second, your partner should have made that same choice, and this is the tricky part. You cannot really “know” if your partner has made this choice, but what you can do is give your partner “incentive” to make that choice.
The very least a person can do, is not punish honesty. Give their partner the freedom to express and even act upon their desires. If a person is interested in integrity of relationships, they need to create an atmosphere of trust, understanding, and freedom. Doing otherwise, would create conflict of interests, that would ultimately result in choosing to lie based on fear.
I love my husband and I cheated on him. The question is, do you think its possible he could ever trust me again. I will do anything to keep us together and I truly love him with all my heart. I regret ever cheating on him.
Anything is possible. But only if he wants to. And if you are willing to do what it takes. Every person is different. For some it is possible to forgive cheating, for others it is a full stop. You need to figure out which type your husband is. Best of luck.