I just heard an advertisement on the radio that made me suddenly pay attention to the words which are otherwise just background noise at the office.
The lady in the radio said: “Make your life become alive – have an affair”
I had to go online to find the company she was advertising for. It turns out to be an online dating site especially for men and women who are either married or in a relationship. The company is setting up people in relationships with each other and making it easy to find either a flirt, an affair or a sexpartner. 100% anonymous – your partner will never know!
What kind of business is that?
They write:
“Dating online for you who are looking for a little spice in your daily life. (…) Do you miss passion? Here you can easily, safe and completely anonymous meet and flirt with thousands of men and women in the same situation as yourself. (…) Maybe you feel trapped in a boring, empty relationship? Maybe you are tired of a partner who travels all the time? Or maybe you are just looking for something to spice your life up a little bit? No matter your reason – we are here to help.”
They write that they do not celebrate infidelity, but that they believe their costumers are adult men and women who can make their own decisions in life. So they are making a business out of infidelity – making money on breaking people’s hearts and ruining families. I find that really hard to relate to.
I know many people are cheating on their partner every day. Families fall apart and love ends. But I don’t see any reason to support that behavior in any way. People who want to cheat on their partner will always find a way. Maybe they will get caught in the act – maybe they won’t – but I do not see any reason to help them.
Can I get any pro-arguments for this datingsite?
(It’s a regional company covering Denmark, Sweden, Norway and some other European countries – www.victoriamilan.dk – information is unfortunately only in Danish)
vi har den i sverige också, den är ganska populär!
They are all over the world – well, maybe not ALL over the world, but in most developed countries. I can’t say I support them at all, but I will say if it gets the married cheaters OFF the dating sites trying to be genuine then they serve a purpose, even if it is a somewhat dubious rationale.
Like you, I’m not inclined to believe that all the poor spouses know their partners are on these websites and heartbreak is bound to ensue.
Oh God! There is a segmentation for such dating websites now!
This is ,,,, wrong to say the least !!!!!
H.
@Troll: I know – it’s all over Scandinavia apparently. I’m appauled. Didn’t know these things existed. Maybe I’m naive?
@Team Oyeniyi: Apparently I have been naive – I have never heard about these type of sites before. But I guess you are right – that it’s good if it takes the “occupied” people off the regular dating sites – but still. The idea itself makes me gag. The way they write – it makes it sound so romantic and glamourous. (Welcome to my blog btw – have just checked yours out – seems to be a very tough situation you are in
)
Thanks Naddoush – but we are surviving!
I totally get your gag reaction – and yes, the advertising makes it sound like such an attractive lifestyle choice. They shouldhave to carry warnings about the divorce courts, property settlements and custody battles. They could use Tiger Woods and Charlie Sheen as models for the warning section.
This is sick.. and the worst part is…?? There’s more than one, apparently. I remember that my friend once told me about a website like that but it was in America.
These people should burn in hell for their doings.
@Yousif: Burn in hell is a bit too much for me. I don’t wish that for anyone.
I don’t see any moral objection to a dating website for married people. “Ease of access” to someone to cheat with is not the issue. The website is just giving the people what they want.
On the other hand, the social phenomenon that creates demand for this sort of business is concerning, albeit not surprising to me. As insensitive as it might seem, cheating is an inevitable result of the way that contemporary society works. In my opinion, cheating is not something that the cheater does to his partner, but rather something that couples have to take responsibility for. They need to take responsibility for it as a couple in the light of their shared responsibility towards the relationship.
People need to be more aware of the psychological dimensions of relationships. Relationships are a manifestation of human desires and needs. Saying “I love you” and putting a ring on some finger does not define a relationship, it is the continuous effort that people invest in each other that defines a relationship. Couples that forget this reality have already lost each other, even before any infidelity has occurred.
In a very peculiar sense, when someone cheats, his partner should thank him/her for spelling out an otherwise unspoken reality that they, as a couple, have lost their connection.
Mr/Ms Devil – taking shared responsibility is a great idea – the problem is usually cheaters are not exactly into sharing much other than their bodies – responsibility particularly.
Hence, their innocent partner remains just that – innocent of the happenings. Not exactly fair.
First, its a Mr.
Second, the signs of an unhealthy relationship are usually obvious. And it usually manifests early in the relationship. For example, as you mentioned, if your partner is only their sharing their body, without disclosing information about their feelings, emotions, and attitudes, then the problems lies in partner selection.
Those symptoms show early in a relationship, and if someone chooses to ignore those signs and engage in a relationship, they are not only being “innocent”, they are also being unfair unto themselves.
If someone does not make the effort to get to know their partner, understand their feelings and desires, and contemplate their tendencies, part of the blame lies on them. Getting to know your partner is part of your responsibility, and if you cannot tell when your partner is cheating, chances are you have been neglecting your responsibility.
@Devil’s Mind (Mr.),
I was about to write a comment on this – but realized that Naddoush had already in her own words expressed what I was about to express.
But something I’d like to add is that if you tell another person that you love him/her and put a ring on his/her finger, aren’t you to blame for hurting him/her if you cheat? Those three words and a ring may not be why you are together, yet it can create defining moments and unspoken rules and expectations from one part to the other – if not between the two partners (of which, of course, the latter would be preferred).
I agree, those actions are symbols of intentions. However, intending to do something and actually doing it are two different things.
I agree on the “defining moments” part. But “unspoken rules” is problematic. I think that couples need to discuss their intentions, expectations, and boundaries in an open manner, rather than rely on unspoken rules. This experience of the discussion, in and of itself, will improve the bond between couples.
One more thing. This talk about being hurt really bugs me.
I personally never enter a relationship with the expectation of not being hurt. When you love a person you give them a great power to hurt you emotionally. However, if you enter a relationship with the expectation of not getting hurt, you are robbing the relationship of an important depth.
You cannot truly love if you do not allow at least the possibility of getting hurt.
I was pondering what to call the “unspoken rules”/unspoken expectations – I think this must have been spoken at some point in history, otherwise there wouldn’t be so many people expecting this from their partner – but here’s what I’m talking about:
1. If you tell me that you love me – and it’s not obvious that you don’t mean it – I actually believe that you love me.
2. If you put a ring on my finger – and it’s not obvious that the relationship isn’t going to work – I expect you to be faithful to me.
Do you think it’s too much to expect of a partner without having to actually say it out loud?
Beyond that, I agree that expectations etc. should be discussed.
I think you do have a point with expecting to get hurt – it’s part of all relationships, not only romantically speaking. I just think I have another way of seeing it: if I already know that it isn’t going to work in the long run, I don’t bother (though the crush was nice while it lasted). If I’m not certain, sure, I’ll give it a chance, expecting that we may or may not break up in the end. But if we’re in a steady, exclusive relationship, I don’t expect to hurt him or to be hurt by him through infidelity.
You are forgetting something here: People lie. Just because people are not ‘obviously’ lying, does not mean they are not lying!! The best lies are those that convince you that they are true.
You live in a society that adores hypocrisy and hypocrites. Society values liars, and condemns honest folk. Nobody likes to hear the truth, lying sells!
Now that I reminded you of something so obvious that you seem to forget, I challenge your expectations. If a guy tells you he loves you, there is a good chance that he’s saying that to get you in bed. And his lie will not be obvious simply because people don’t appreciate bad liars, they prefer the good liars, those who convince you that their lies are actually true. There goes your first expectation.
Besides, who can blame a guy who speaks of love to get a girl in bed. Certainly, not I! What is the reaction he’d get if he told the girl: “Hey, I don’t love you, but I really really want to have sex with you!” Reactions might vary, but more often than not he’d be rejected.
Same applies to exclusivity of a relationship. That’s without taking into account the social pressure people face to get married.
This brings me to the issue of “unspoken rules”. Now that we take into account the hypocritical nature of social norms, the picture changes. Many people agree to exclusivity simply because they feel cornered. They get married for reasons other than love. And they don’t necessarily speak of love only when they mean it. Those expectations that you speak of are a result of centuries of lies. Promises that many people make without any intention to uphold those promises.
My point being, those unspoken rules are not really unspoken rules, those are lies that you are expected to believe without even asking! Lies that are so popular that you wouldn’t even bother asking about.
A good question would be: What is the solution? I don’t have a fool-proof solution. But I have a suggestion that might occasionally help: Don’t take things for granted, rather discuss them in an open manner without prejudice on what the outcome of the discussion would be. And if you want to do something even better: Don’t be too judgmental, people are more likely to speak their mind when they feel that what they say will not be held against them.
It’s becoming more and more obvious that you don’t live in my world – let alone travel in my circles (which covers multiple continents, by the way). Around here, infidelity and lies like that are frowned upon.
I’m not saying that people don’t lie, period – I’m just saying that there’s a long way between a barely valid excuse to hurting someone’s feelings, let alone infidelity.
My point was not to say that cheating is okay because people lie. I discussed that point to make the case that “unspoken rules” are established on false pretenses.
Many cultures have suffered numerous bad cultural influences: Sexual oppression, homosexuality oppression, religions, racism, sexism, slavery, .. etc etc.
And while we fix some stuff, some misconceptions remain and need more time to be resolved. So when you take the so called “unspoken rules”, you are holding on to residual remains of those past bad cultural influences.
Our concepts of family, relationships, marriage, sexuality, …etc etc are still tainted by bad influences. Of course, to varying degrees across cultures, but still present. An open dialog would definitely help.
@Devil: It sounds like you are blaming the partner being cheated on, for the occurence of infidelity? I agree that a relationship is hard work and requires commitment and effort from both sides. But if you are not satisfied in your relationship, and if you are considering an affair as a solution to that problem, don’t you then have a responsibility to your partner as well? To let them know that you are unsatisfied and feeling neglected BEFORE you actually cheat on them? Don’t you have a responsibility as an adult person to actually communicate your needs instead of just satisfiying them somewhere else?
It cannot be the partner’s responsibility. The partner should of course be a good partner and try his or her best to give their partner what he/she needs of love, affection, conversation, time and devotion – but even if the partner fails to do all of this – infidelity is ALWAYS the responsibility of the person doing it. We all have a free will – infidelity is a choice – you always have a choice!
There are a lot of things which I intend to do that I would probably do faster if only I could do it online – just like that. Plus, I *do* have a weakness for social networks.
On the other hand – I always hated the idea of filling out profiles on dating sites. And I resent that infidelity being promoted like that. Not only because I’m Christian (“Thou shalt not commit adultery.” – Ex. 20:14; it’s the seventh of the 10 commandments (Ex. 20:1-20)), but because it’s hurtful to other people. So I think it’s wrong – even without religion. Of course you could be in an open relationship where both parts are officially okay with the other having something on the side, but even then I think there is a risk of hurting the other; be it because one is unaware of how it will really feel when that time comes, or be it because one only agrees to be in an open relationship in order to “keep” the other in the relationship.
I think I could go on and on discussing this on my own (I have been told that I’m good at that), also including more of the scriptures. But then it will be a longer comment than I’d care for myself.
I apologize for going religious on your blog if you’re not okay with it.
I agree. There is a shared responsibility in a relationship. Yes, I focused on the responsibility of the person being cheated on and spoke of it elaborately. However, I don’t deny the responsibility of the person who is cheating.
I especially agree to this part: “To let them know that you are unsatisfied and feeling neglected BEFORE you actually cheat on them? Don’t you have a responsibility as an adult person to actually communicate your needs instead of just satisfiying them somewhere else?”
But the problem is that people generally handle relationships poorly. Cheating is not a set of rare and isolated incidents, it is quite common, more common than people care to admit. So, what I am trying to say is that the important question is not whose fault that cheating happened. The important question is: How did we get there? And this is the question that is being ignored at large. And it is being ignored -in part- because people are not willing to invest in relationships, not emotionally at least. This is my diagnosis.
Another important aspect is that people create barriers. Very few couples can actually discuss matters that are important to them in an open and honest manner. Many reasons exist for this, one of which is what I just mentioned; not wanting to invest in the relationship. People realize that by opening up they are creating a strong emotional connection, which they most likely do not wish to invoke. Another reason is unrealistic expectations. When people make expectations that you cannot live up to, you are most likely to be unwilling to admit that. But when expectations are unreasonable or unrealistic, this problem becomes even more problematic. And most couples suffer from those unrealistic expectations, that are created by idealistic views that are simply unfounded.
Yo, Devy!
Re: people lie.
Only people with bad self confidence lie, to get love, sex, grade, or whatever the fuck it is they’re after. This is a predominant trait in the arab world – people are so ashamed of their sexuality that they feel the need “to lie” that they are in love, just to get laid. When your natural needs are suppressed in a fake platonic cultured, you start mistaking love for lust and lust for love, and start thinking of every white person as a sex object (mistaking sexual freedom), or every person of the other sex as a potential “partner” until proven uninterested.
The fact that people lie is not in human nature. It is purely cultural. There are cultures in the world where you can go about your day knowing that people will be as honest as possible, and express themselves so accurately.
I don’t want to go into a discussion of all the lies that are rampant in almost all societies, but I am going to give you one example.
Do you notice how the first thing you say when you meet people -acquaintances and strangers alike- “Good Morning”? You say it without even thinking. Some mornings might be good, but I find it hard to believe that every morning is a good morning. And if someone told you “Good Morning”, chances are you are going to say “Good Morning” back at them regardless of how your morning actually is.
Enough said.
Saying good morning isn’t establishing that it’s a good morning – it’s wishing someone else a good morning. Why else do you think they say “guten Morgen” instead of “gut(er) Morgen” in German?
Okay, but even when you wish a person a “good morning”. You don’t really mean it, you are just being polite.
Hey Im from germany and would like to use some of your article on my blog would that be okay? Thank you.v
I read an article in the hiffingtonpost months ago about such advertisements in Italy.. Many were outraged about it… the whole idea is a bit weird.. how did they come up with it in the first place???